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Post by moonbeam on Jul 2, 2012 18:21:30 GMT -5
You know, in my business, I hear this one a lot...
Doctor: "Nurse, how is that patient doing, the one that swallowed the quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."
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Post by muttley on Jul 3, 2012 6:44:49 GMT -5
^^^^^ Tickled me
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Post by muttley on Jul 6, 2012 7:37:46 GMT -5
How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb .................. FOUR!!!!!
= = = Heathrow to Paddy 'please let me have your height and position'
Paddy to Heathrow 'I'm five feet eight inches and sitting at the front"
= = = =
Jessica Biel has announced the birth of her first child - "Batmo".
= = = =
I was on the phone to my blonde wife, ''I'm near home love, put the kettle on?''
After a 10 second pause, I said, ''Hello, you still there?''
''Yeah,'' she replied, ''I don't think the kettle wants to talk right now.''
= = = =
Mary had a little lamb She also had a bear. I've often seen her little lamb I've never seen her....
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Post by yeapb on Jul 21, 2012 20:19:24 GMT -5
the Higgs Boson Particle walks into a church. The Priest says we don't allow Higgs Bosons into here. The Higgs Boson says, but without me how can you have Mass?
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Post by muttley on Aug 9, 2012 7:21:57 GMT -5
(sorry, but going to use them when I can ) After throwing eight badminton players out of the Olympics for not trying, the IOC have been accused of double standards after allowing the entire Australian team to stay = = = = I heard a strange tune yesterday at the Olympics. Shazamed it - it was the Australian national anthem
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Post by moonbeam on Aug 9, 2012 7:50:35 GMT -5
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Alabama recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?"
"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that." The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works." "OK", said the warden. "I've got to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?" "Well, what?", says the redneck. The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!", replied the warden. "What fish?", replied the redneck.
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Post by trangie on Aug 9, 2012 17:20:49 GMT -5
I am no longer speaking to you Mutters.....
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Post by muttley on Sept 3, 2012 7:35:23 GMT -5
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
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Post by moonbeam on Sept 3, 2012 8:00:16 GMT -5
What did the Daddy Buffalo say to his son when he was leaving for the first day of school?
Bison
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Post by pinkpagoda on Sept 5, 2012 10:17:43 GMT -5
What did the Daddy Buffalo say to his son when he was leaving for the first day of school? Bison Groan
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Post by muttley on Sept 5, 2012 14:01:43 GMT -5
I deleted all the Germans and Austrians from my mobile phone today
It's finally Hans free
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Post by trangie on Sept 5, 2012 16:36:27 GMT -5
Double groan....
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Post by trangie on Sept 5, 2012 17:49:01 GMT -5
A scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant. The wife says "smell that - it's incredible!" The scotsman being the good bloke he was, thinks - what the hell I'll treat her.
So they walked by again.....
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Post by yeapb on Sept 5, 2012 19:37:52 GMT -5
Oh Trangie, pretty awful......
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Post by yeapb on Sept 5, 2012 19:46:08 GMT -5
Good Worker comes up to Boss for a pay raise. Boss looks at him pityingly, "you know," he says, "the business isn't doing too well just now, I just can't afford it." Worker starts pleading, " I've been with you for 25 years, I've put my all into the business, please give me a raise." The Boss still refuses. Worker continues, "you do realise that four other companies are after me." The Boss, afraid of losing a good worker says, "okay, come on, let's come to some kind of agreement." Agreement gets written out and signed and the Boss asks,"I'm a bit curious, who were the other four companies?" "Aaah" says the worker,
Gas company Water company Electric company and Phone company.
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