|
Post by muttley on Apr 24, 2014 7:49:11 GMT -5
Distraught husband is filing out a report on his missing wife:
Husband: I lost my wife (Misty), she went shopping & still has not reached home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: Y'know, I've never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pant suit or dress..... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was she going in a car???
Husband: yes.
Inspector: tell me the number, name & color of the car ? . . . . . ..
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. ?.and then the husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car...
|
|
|
Post by yeapb on Apr 24, 2014 19:49:52 GMT -5
Glorious!
|
|
|
Post by muttley on Apr 28, 2014 7:25:08 GMT -5
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."
A few weeks later, 'The British Archaeological Society of Northern England' reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Barnsley area of South Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely nothing. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British, dunnit ?
|
|
|
Post by yeapb on May 5, 2014 20:05:22 GMT -5
Ha, ha, ha,ha, ha! Ooh, this is a good one!
|
|
|
Post by moonbeam on May 6, 2014 2:25:13 GMT -5
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.
|
|
|
Post by muttley on May 6, 2014 7:48:51 GMT -5
^^^ Shared
|
|
|
Post by muttley on Jul 30, 2014 7:19:50 GMT -5
This thread needs an injection of funny jokes. So, while nurse is preparing the injection, i give you mine
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them, so she put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "Any of you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused. Then one of the workers looked up into the scaffolding and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the workers yelled back down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "’Cause his mum's here with his lunch."
= = =
I saw a man today whose face was covered in black dust, he was wearing a bright yellow hard hat, royal blue overalls size xl, carrying a pickaxe with a hickory shaft and he had a small scar on his left hand - but those are just miner details
= = =
A German truck driver arrived at a depot in the Uk, he was bragging how great his Mercedes truck was bragging that it took him only 16 hours to get there from Germany, then a British driver said my uncle did Germany unloaded and back to the UK in around 8 hours, the German looking unsure and impressed said what was he in.... a Lancaster bomber came the reply..
= = = You know you're an EXTREME REDNECK when:
1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night. 5 You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.' 7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9 Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. ' 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
NOW Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY
= = =
|
|
|
Post by muttley on Sept 26, 2014 6:50:43 GMT -5
It's certainly been a bad week for fruit.
Blackberry's handset sales are down even further, Jason Orange leaves Take That, Apple's latest iPhone update goes pear shaped, and a giant plum forgets part of his speech at the Labour Party Conference.
However, Apple have responded to criticism of the bendy iPhone 6, saying "iBoomerang is actually a security feature to assist in the event of a user hurling the phone away in frustration, the curvature serves to return the phone to its rightful owner"
|
|
|
Post by muttley on Dec 17, 2014 8:46:35 GMT -5
Some Oldies: She seems to have an invisible touch (Genesis 19:86)
Chinese takeaway £10.90. Petrol to get there and back £2.00. Realising that you got all the way home without one of the containers. Riceless.
What's brass & sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones
Why is Santa such a jolly guy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live
|
|
|
Post by yeapb on Dec 23, 2014 17:28:08 GMT -5
Ow......
|
|
|
Post by muttley on Jan 14, 2015 7:50:02 GMT -5
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats: boy ant
= = = I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Though I did say "well, you can get the cheque, mate"
= = = I've just made a graph of my past relationships. It has an 'ex' axis and a 'why' axis.
= = =
|
|