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Post by yeapb on Sept 5, 2012 19:49:16 GMT -5
Okay, true one here.
six year old is running round the house banging on a pot, his older sister gets fed up and says "be quiet, you're giving me a headache!", six year old replies, "Oh sorry, I'll wait till you're asleep"........
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Post by moonbeam on Sept 5, 2012 22:11:57 GMT -5
A cop pulled me over the other day. He walked up to the driver's side window and said, "Papers?"
I said, "Scissors, I win!" and pulled away.
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Post by muttley on Sept 7, 2012 8:16:00 GMT -5
Yeapb & Moonbeam, They are brilliant! I had a date with a stock trader last night. Never again! Absolutely no action at all, all she wanted to do was play FTSE. I have trained my pet goat to work alongside me in my fish and chip shop. He's now my battering ram. "what's on your mind?" "Who are you with" "where are you?". Since when did Facebook become my wife?!
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Post by yeapb on Sept 13, 2012 19:59:57 GMT -5
Englishman, Russian and Chinese ina restaurant. waiter brings three bowls of soup along with flies. Englishman takes one look and pours the whole lot out in disgust. Russian shrugs and picks out the flies. Chinese gets really excited, pours out the soup and eats the flies........
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Post by muttley on Sept 25, 2012 7:01:24 GMT -5
I took my driving test on LSD.
I passed with flying colours
= = = = =
Whenever I write a letter to someone, I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm's law. It's my P.S. de resistance.
-=-=-=-
I got in trouble at the zoo where I work part time, I had lined all the squirrels up in order of height. Turns out they don't like me critter sizing
-=-=-=-
I woke up, utterly hungover, to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn. Sod it, I thought, I’m not moving, he can mow round me.
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Post by yeapb on Oct 2, 2012 17:48:15 GMT -5
Groan... but good!
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Post by muttley on Oct 10, 2012 6:33:25 GMT -5
The missus bought a Paperback down Borders, Saturday, I had a look in her bag; ...T’was “fifty shades of grey”.
Well I just left her to it, At ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread…..
In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down on the floor, And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Doris hasn’t weathered well; She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. Things went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and… Said…. I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris, You’d see just why I spluttered, I’d spent two months in traction For the last complaint I’d muttered.
She stood there nude, naked like; Bent forward just a bit …. I thought what the hell, Stepped forward, and stood on her left tit!
Doris screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: “Step on the other one”!!
Well readers, I can’t tell no more; About what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair,…. Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.
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Post by moonbeam on Oct 10, 2012 8:10:56 GMT -5
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. PMS jokes aren't funny; period. We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. When you get a bladder infection urine trouble. Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crapes. Velcro~what a rip off! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
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Post by pinkpagoda on Oct 12, 2012 9:26:05 GMT -5
GROAN!
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Post by moonbeam on Oct 23, 2012 22:49:56 GMT -5
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
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Post by moonbeam on Oct 25, 2012 5:28:58 GMT -5
A son asks his dad, "What's for dinner, Dad?" Dad, "Wookie Steak." Son, "Is it any good?" Dad, "It's a little Chewie"
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Post by yeapb on Oct 27, 2012 19:49:00 GMT -5
A wife is like the 'Terms and Conditions' of a website. You have no idea what it says but you always click 'yes'.
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Post by moonbeam on Nov 5, 2012 1:10:59 GMT -5
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub Then, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the teacup or the spoon."
"No," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.... Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Post by muttley on Nov 6, 2012 8:13:46 GMT -5
I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!' I thought, "That's just spam."
= = =
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
= = =
My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic
= = =
I dedicate this joke to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there....
= = =
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice.
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Post by brenth on Nov 9, 2012 13:31:18 GMT -5
The top 5 signs you are getting apathetic:
1.
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