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Post by brenth on Jun 15, 2012 11:34:41 GMT -5
Please think better of me after this one...
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
. . .
BabBOOM
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Post by yeapb on Jun 16, 2012 22:03:32 GMT -5
Sense of Freshness....
A while ago a new supermarket opened in Topeka, KS.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal-grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh-baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
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Post by muttley on Jun 22, 2012 8:02:39 GMT -5
^^^^ I like that one = = = = = Name two fish that both start and end in the letter "K" Killer Shark and Kilmarnock but Kilmarnock's not a fish?! I hear you say Indeed, but it is a Plaice in Scotland.
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Post by yeapb on Jun 24, 2012 15:00:04 GMT -5
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was sixty, she's 97 now and we don't where the hell she is.
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Post by yeapb on Jun 24, 2012 15:01:17 GMT -5
I never make the same mistake twice.
I make it 6 or 7 times to make sure.
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Post by brenth on Jun 25, 2012 12:51:23 GMT -5
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
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Post by trangie on Jun 25, 2012 16:48:57 GMT -5
Oh brenth.....truly terrible
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Post by yeapb on Jun 25, 2012 17:20:25 GMT -5
I'm on a light diet.... I eat by daylight, lamplight and even by refrigerator light.....
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Post by trangie on Jun 25, 2012 17:46:03 GMT -5
I'm on a seafood diet
I see food and I eat it!
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Post by moonbeam on Jun 26, 2012 2:55:40 GMT -5
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A NEW JERSEY GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Alabama . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from South Dakota . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from NEW JERSEY ... He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
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Post by yeapb on Jun 26, 2012 17:44:08 GMT -5
Oh my goodness Moonbeam, this is so funny! I'm pinching it for my facebook page!
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Post by muttley on Jun 27, 2012 0:49:55 GMT -5
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7km, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a bottle of wine".
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors person!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a very bad golfer".
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Post by moonbeam on Jun 27, 2012 3:24:20 GMT -5
An older man is stopped by police around 2AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on the way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and it's effects on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving a lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
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Post by moonbeam on Jun 28, 2012 12:22:57 GMT -5
My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh," I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered. "That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes."
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Post by yeapb on Jun 28, 2012 16:28:17 GMT -5
oh gosh Moonbeam, that last one has me cackling!!!!!
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