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Post by muttley on May 23, 2012 7:23:17 GMT -5
Yup, Santa with Attitude!!
Will try to find some less scarey ones...
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Post by yeapb on May 23, 2012 17:56:13 GMT -5
Ah'm not skeered of Santa, he doesn't exist anyway..... :-D
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Post by muttley on May 24, 2012 3:03:10 GMT -5
I've just been sacked from The Salvation Army soup kitchen. Uncharitable sods. All I said was "Hurry up, some of us have got homes to go to."
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I Love the summer.... When all the short skirts, hot pants and skimpy outfits come out.
Can't wait to get home and put mine on .........
= = = = = =
Ill looking bloke walks into a pub and orders a triple Brandy, a triple Scotch and a triple Vodka.
Necks the lot and says to the barman, "I really shouldn't be drinking with what I've got".
Barman says, "What's that then'?
Bloke says, "50p".
= = = = =
The first rule of thesaurus club is you do not talk about, converse, discuss, chat or mention thesaurus club
= = = = =
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service..
= = = = =
Have you heard the joke about the magic tractor?... It went down the road and turned into a field. (actually, I used to love that joke but now I am an extractor fan.)
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Post by trangie on May 24, 2012 16:40:56 GMT -5
These are really bad.....
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Post by yeapb on May 24, 2012 19:44:46 GMT -5
Punographics
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
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Post by pinkpagoda on May 25, 2012 12:10:05 GMT -5
Punographics When chemists die, they barium....... Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! Ba domp bomp!
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Post by muttley on May 29, 2012 7:11:24 GMT -5
Just got my Bon Jovi Sat Nav up and running. Woo hoo - we're half way there!
It also comes with a weather warning, its told me, Slippery when Wet.
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Post by yeapb on May 29, 2012 15:04:50 GMT -5
now you just have to make sure it doesn't send you into a lake.....
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Post by muttley on May 30, 2012 6:09:37 GMT -5
Ok, not getting that one (could be having a golden retriever moment)
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Post by trangie on May 30, 2012 16:58:03 GMT -5
The sat nav could send you into a lake....
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Post by yeapb on May 30, 2012 18:31:12 GMT -5
exactly! particularly when the ferry isn't there....
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Post by pinkpagoda on May 31, 2012 9:28:12 GMT -5
You guys make me want to "Runaway" - but then, I can always return.... I mean "Who says you can't go home"?
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Post by muttley on Jun 1, 2012 7:30:52 GMT -5
If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club
Weight watchers!
= = = = = Whats the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?
The bad marksman shoots but can't hit.
= = = = =
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
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Post by muttley on Jun 9, 2012 15:42:41 GMT -5
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used."
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket between his legs. "Yes" she said " He's got one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50, he's the window cleaner".
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Post by muttley on Jun 14, 2012 7:47:31 GMT -5
I took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow. 'Oohh' said the presenter, 'this is a very rare breed do u know wot they would fetch if they were alive? 'Sticks?' I replied.
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The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene,but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan
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"Chatted up a gypsy girl in the pub last night,she asked if I wanted to go back to her place for a good time. Too right I had a good time,I had a go on the dodgems,the waltzers and the ghost train,and even came away with a goldfish
Just been offered tickets for "Muesli - The Musical".
Extra dates have been added.
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