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Post by muttley on Sept 13, 2013 3:09:02 GMT -5
What hangs in the kitchen and only comes out in the dark?
Count Spatula
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Post by moonbeam on Sept 13, 2013 4:55:18 GMT -5
There's a pirate ship out at sea and the captain asks his pirate in the crow's nest to keep on the lookout. The guy in the crow's nest says "I see a boat a few miles off, but they're gaining fast."
The captain says "Quick someone get me my red shirt. That way if I get hurt, the crew won't see and we won't lose morale."
The lookout says "They're getting closer and now there are five ships!"
The captain says "Quick, someone get me my brown pants!"
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Post by moonbeam on Sept 13, 2013 4:56:31 GMT -5
Last week, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
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Post by moonbeam on Sept 13, 2013 4:57:43 GMT -5
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
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Post by moonbeam on Sept 13, 2013 4:59:04 GMT -5
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says "hey, does this taste funny to you?"
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Post by muttley on Sept 13, 2013 6:38:40 GMT -5
Excellent, a good laugh this lunch hour, (but you must try harder to be worse than mine )
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Post by brenth on Sept 13, 2013 11:27:42 GMT -5
Ah, yes. Jokes just like my grandfather used to tell. Come to think about it, those were the jokes he told.
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Post by muttley on Sept 23, 2013 11:27:41 GMT -5
As I was reading the newspaper this morning, my wife said, "Please toast some bread for me."
I raised my glass and said, "To bread!"
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Post by moonbeam on Sept 24, 2013 8:45:47 GMT -5
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the garage, the car, watching TV...always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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Post by muttley on Oct 9, 2013 11:15:20 GMT -5
Not many people know this, but I once posed naked for a Magazine.
I think the Newsagent would have preferred money though.
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Post by muttley on Oct 10, 2013 7:17:23 GMT -5
7 dwarves walk into a bar. Barman says "sorry lads, I can only serve one of you". "Why?" they all asked.
"It's happy hour".
= = = = =
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Post by yeapb on Oct 27, 2013 18:39:28 GMT -5
I've just been sent a whole bunch of good ones, will post them when I get a chance....
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Post by muttley on Nov 27, 2013 7:31:09 GMT -5
Q: what is a wok? A: what you throw at a wabbit when don't have wifle.
= = = A daschund and an Alsatian are walking in the snow. The Alsatian says "My feet are cold" The daschund says "Your feet are cold"
= = = I still think it was wrong of Mr Tickle to get his daughter christened Tess.
= = = Father and son are walking around a museum in London, and come across the skeleton of T-Rex Boy says to his father, "Dad how old is that" "I don't know son, but I will ask that man over there in uniform" He approaches the man in uniform and says "Excuse me, my son was asking how old is T-Rex over there" "That sir, is 6 million and 10 years old" "My god how do they date them so precisely" Man says "When I came here to work they told me it was 6 million years old, and I have been here 10 years"
= = =
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Post by moonbeam on Nov 27, 2013 12:20:26 GMT -5
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I called him a pencil-necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a piece of horse crap. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 5 minutes – the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
But I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.
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Post by muttley on Dec 5, 2013 7:52:16 GMT -5
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
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