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Post by brenth on Dec 19, 2012 16:46:07 GMT -5
Just two more shopping days until the end of the world ... Hope you all have rapture presents.
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Post by moonbeam on Jan 6, 2013 11:25:11 GMT -5
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As ...I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
As I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost... It's a guy thing
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Post by muttley on Jan 16, 2013 8:19:27 GMT -5
Some topical jokes for now:
Kudos to Lance Armstrong for finally having the ball to come clean.
I'm off for a Tesco burger, now. They won't be on the shelf furlong, so no horsing around while I'm gone...
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Post by muttley on Jan 24, 2013 8:35:30 GMT -5
What do you call an alligator in a vest.
An investigator.
= = = = =
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 a 320 or a 330. The word condm won't even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a big guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.
"Yes!" she said breathlessly, "He's got one hanging there!"
The boss said, "Go back in and give him £3.50. He's the window cleaner!"
= = = = An elderly Preacher is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys' efforts for some time, the Preacher moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the Preacher smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
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Post by muttley on Jan 29, 2013 8:06:30 GMT -5
My pet mouse Elvis died at the weekend. He got caught in a trap!
= = = = =
A guy walks into a Bakers where everything is a pound, but the guy asks why is there one cake on the top shelf that is three pounds? The Baker said, That's Madeira cake.
= = = = =
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it
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Post by trangie on Jan 29, 2013 15:47:22 GMT -5
These really are terrible - where do you find them???
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Post by yeapb on Jan 29, 2013 19:18:00 GMT -5
Dear Algebra, Stop asking me to find your x. She's not coming back and I don't know y.
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Post by moonbeam on Jan 29, 2013 22:25:36 GMT -5
I like that one yeapb! Everytime I hear, I crack up.
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Post by muttley on Jan 30, 2013 8:36:11 GMT -5
These really are terrible - where do you find them??? what?? and give up my sources? I cull them from a motoring forum I'm on
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Post by trangie on Jan 30, 2013 15:36:32 GMT -5
They should do more motoring!
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Post by muttley on Feb 14, 2013 8:40:55 GMT -5
I booked a nice table for me and the wife for Valentines day. When she found out, she went mental. How was I to know she didn't like snooker?
I bought the wife a nice new bag for Valentines day. Turns out Dysons don't need them.
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Post by pinkpagoda on Feb 18, 2013 13:11:51 GMT -5
Apparently, I'm still lost... It's a guy thing This is just absolutley hilarious!
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Post by pinkpagoda on Feb 18, 2013 13:12:20 GMT -5
Some topical jokes for now: Kudos to Lance Armstrong for finally having the ball to come clean. In the words of your people - brilliant!
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Post by muttley on Feb 20, 2013 12:27:58 GMT -5
"Waiter, does the musician play what you ask for?" "Yes Sir" "Can she play pool until I'm finished eating?"
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Post by yeapb on Mar 10, 2013 0:26:02 GMT -5
The recipe said 'set oven to 180 degrees', so I did but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.
wife: I have a headache. husband: sad because I wanted to take you out shopping. wife: I was just kidding. husband: me too....
Doctor: well, you are 93, so why have you just started smoking? Patient: They say smoking kills slowly.......
My friend hired a personal Trainer to follow him around and tell him everyting he does wrong. Someone told him it would be cheaper to get married.
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