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Post by muttley on Mar 12, 2013 8:41:01 GMT -5
A quick cull from my usual source, there is a thread about doing something childish. The ones on the link had me wetting myself, enjoy:) The company provided cakes/sticky buns at 10.30 on Thursday morning, as soon as one person was seen walking from the kitchen there was a rush of people heading in there. One week we bought 6 buns from Tesco on the way on to work and at 10.15, 6 of us walked back from the kitchen carrying a bun each, everyone got up and then looking very puzzled walked back to their desks empty handed, by which time we'd eaten ours and were all concentrating very hard on our PC screens and trying no to laugh out loud! We got a double hit because when the buns really did arrive and someone walked back with one, hardly anyone got up because they didn't beleive it. The Great Bun Hoax, feel free to use it if your company has a cake day! The letter from HR : thumbsnap.com/f/T719YsQx Why HR sent the letter : www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html
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Post by trangie on Mar 12, 2013 15:27:25 GMT -5
The complaints are hilarious - they have given me ideas!
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Post by yeapb on Mar 12, 2013 18:05:09 GMT -5
A Massachusets Law: Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
Two thieves trying to unlock a car with a hanger: We'd better hurry up, it's starting to rain and the roof is down.
Joe: Nice Gold Watch, where'd you get it? Fred: I won it in a race. Joe: How many people were in the race? Fred: Three - the owner, a policeman and me!
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Post by muttley on Mar 14, 2013 3:54:10 GMT -5
The complaints are hilarious - they have given me ideas! I was getting some odd looks as I read them all, stiffled laughter and nearly a puddle under me! I'm glad we have a new Pope, it saves it being drawn out into reality TV, but I heard that a network was ready to air Sistine to One
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Post by muttley on Mar 26, 2013 3:41:37 GMT -5
I typed "Missing medieval servant" into Google and it came up with "Page not found"
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THE 5 SYMPTOMS OF LAZINESS
1.
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Post by yeapb on Mar 27, 2013 16:53:14 GMT -5
The RAF aerobatic display team in the UK is the equivalent of the US Navy's Blue Angels or the Canadian Snowbirds. Unfortunately, due to the very high cost of aviation jet fuel and ongoing aircraft maintenance, the Royal Air Force has had to make severe cuts to their operating budget. Determined not to let the adoring public down at various air shows they have, therefore, come up with a reduced display which, as well as being much cheaper to run, has been turned over to the members of the Drill team of the British Fire Dept in Hampshire, in the south of England. Here is the result. God save the Queen and everything else www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnP02BJqjmg
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Post by muttley on Apr 3, 2013 6:54:34 GMT -5
^^^ I remember seeing them on "That's Life" (a consumer/magasine show) Damn funny = = = = = The Sensuous Wife "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked. "Uh, no," he said. She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen $40,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No," he said, now really, really intrigued. "Go look in the garage..."
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Post by muttley on May 10, 2013 7:26:47 GMT -5
Time to revive the bad jokes A wagon train got lost crossing the Plains and they're low on food and they see an old Norwegian sitting under a tree. They stop and ask him, "Is there food around here?" He says, "Well, I don't know, but I tell you, I wouldn't go that way — there's a big bacon tree over that hill." "A bacon tree?" "Yeah, so I wouldn't go that way." The wagon train talked about it and a bacon tree sounded good to them so they went over the hill and over the next hill and a thousand Indians were waiting for them and attacked them from all sides and took them prisoner except for the leader who went crawling back to the old Norwegian and said, "There was no bacon tree there, just a mob of Indians who took everybody captive." The Norwegian said, Vait a minute. He picked up his Norwegian-English dictionary and looked through it, and then said, "Oh, it wasn't a bacon tree. It was a ham bush." - - An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's £30k cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put £20k into the envelope because he needed £10k for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put £10k in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost £20k." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full £30k." - - - - An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment. It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet God." Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response..
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Post by muttley on May 22, 2013 3:08:09 GMT -5
I took being sent to jail really badly. I refused all food and drink, spat and swore at everyone and smeared the walls in my own poop. The family said they are never playing Monopoly with me again.
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I was home-schooled as a child.
The saddest part was having to bully myself.
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I've just made a life size jelly of Robert Mugabe.
I fear I may have set a dangerous president.
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Post by muttley on Jun 12, 2013 7:40:56 GMT -5
OLE'S MINNESOTA FIRE INSURANCE
A man and his wife moved back home to Minnesota from Arizona. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 a year! When they arrived in Minnesota, they went to Sven's Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00." The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Minnesota to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona!!! Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here it is on the screen, direct from Ole's Minnesota Fire Insurance Company, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00."
I always did find the Minnesota logic far superior to most others.
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Post by muttley on Jul 1, 2013 7:21:23 GMT -5
My mate just texted me from Glastonbury. He said the entire front row of the Rolling Stones gig got taken to hospital after inhaling copious amounts of deep heat, ralgex and werthers originals.
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I hadn't seen my mother in five years. I sent her a letter and told her I had grown another foot. Come my next birthday she sent me three socks!!
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My new blow up doll is so realistic, it told me it just wants to be friends.
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Post by muttley on Aug 2, 2013 7:46:40 GMT -5
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." "I'm sorry," says the doctor, "but I'm just a general practitioner, I think you need to get help from a psychiatrist." "Yes I know," says the man. "Why did you come in here then?" asks the doctor. "Your light was on."
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I've put all my old dogging equipment on eBay.
No bids yet but a lot of people are watching.
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village pub where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the pub and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
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A chap walking his dogs in the woods finds a suitcase with vixen and 4 fox cubs in it.
Unsure what to do he rings the RSPCA and explains what he's found.
"That's terrible" said the girl on the phone, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure," said the chap "but it certainly would explain the suitcase"
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Post by muttley on Aug 9, 2013 7:22:26 GMT -5
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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Post by muttley on Aug 16, 2013 7:48:22 GMT -5
Next time you are in the office staff toilets
Swap the air freshener for an air horn
= = = = = = Maths teacher asked a student to define pi
After some careful thinking he said
`it depends on the filling`
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Post by muttley on Aug 29, 2013 7:06:20 GMT -5
My computer has crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening
While on holiday in Rome with the family, I asked a local if he would take a couple of pictures of us. He was glad to, So i gave him one of us at Christmas and one at my mums birthday.
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Paddy says to Mick, "I found this pen, is it yours?"
Mick replies, "Don't know, give it here"…. He tries it and says, "Yes, it is."
Paddy asks, "How do you know?"
Mick replies, "That's my handwriting."
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A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the shop, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The young man gets an excellent view. When she is back down the ladder, he decides that he had better get another loaf. When she came back down with the second loaf another male customer notices what's going on and he asks for a raisin bread loaf. After several trips up and down the ladder she begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" When she is up the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she might save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little
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I have two kids - Jane and Emma. They are both getting bullied at school and don't seem to understand why. I knew I couldn't really help them, but I tried. 'Listen boys' I said.....
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