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Post by muttley on Nov 12, 2012 8:03:32 GMT -5
The top 5 signs you are getting apathetic: 1. Brilliant (and stolen!) She locked eyes with me knowing what was about to happen. She inched her way closer and closer, trying to get my full attention. With great desire she licked her lips. With anticipation building, i knew she couldn't wait for me to get it out. We both knew it would be over in minutes though, as i unwrapped her Pedigree Chum Dental Chew. = = = Sometimes I just like to switch off. I think that's why I lost my job in Intensive Care! = = = What do you call a dog that shreds things? A tear-ier!
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Post by brenth on Nov 13, 2012 12:50:08 GMT -5
But I tell it better... You can't beat lilt AND panache.
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Post by muttley on Nov 16, 2012 8:50:09 GMT -5
Ok, some from left field:
Why does Karl Marx's toilet play music when it flushes? Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.
Why does he only ever drink camomile? Because proper tea is theft.
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Post by pinkpagoda on Nov 19, 2012 14:19:13 GMT -5
Ok, some from left field: Why does Karl Marx's toilet play music when it flushes? Because of the violins inherent in the cistern. Why does he only ever drink camomile? Because proper tea is theft. Wayyyyy left - took me a minute.
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Post by yeapb on Nov 22, 2012 17:49:37 GMT -5
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
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Post by muttley on Nov 28, 2012 8:21:53 GMT -5
I had a part-time job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.
My brother was made redundant from that job...which was a shame as he thought it was fanta-stic.
= = = = =
I once dated a French translator but we didn't get on. There was something stopping us really getting close. A little...I don't know what.
= = = = =
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is! "The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about. " The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about. "The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him! "The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house. The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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Post by moonbeam on Nov 29, 2012 15:48:17 GMT -5
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again, the boy and the lover are in the closet together. "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine!"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That-s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that again!"
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Post by moonbeam on Dec 8, 2012 8:03:15 GMT -5
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have Sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes..." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
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Post by moonbeam on Dec 10, 2012 0:21:33 GMT -5
With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving...
As you well know, some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. Well, a couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with some friends and had a couple of cocktails. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before... I took a cab home.
Sure enough, I came upon a police road block. But, since it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely, without incident. Which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
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Post by muttley on Dec 10, 2012 8:17:27 GMT -5
^^^^ *LIKE*
With 2 weeks to go, is it fair game for Christmas jokes?
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Post by muttley on Dec 13, 2012 8:09:06 GMT -5
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know, some have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well two days ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home, there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
= = = = =
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Post by muttley on Dec 13, 2012 8:09:41 GMT -5
"Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"
1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>
"Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man"
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
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Post by muttley on Dec 15, 2012 14:01:03 GMT -5
I'M GONNA FIND YOU!!!!! I can't believe this has happened to me right on top of Christmas too! I just got home to find all the windows wide open!! They've taken everything. It's all gone! I'm waiting for the police! The dirty rotten thieves. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person? You are not human. You are low life scum!!!!! That was my advent calendar and you had no right to open it and eat all MY chocolates!
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Post by muttley on Dec 17, 2012 8:39:29 GMT -5
Christmas Songs for the mentally impaired.
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing... About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? 9.Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
= = = = = Why was one of Santa's little helpers depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.
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Post by muttley on Dec 18, 2012 8:44:59 GMT -5
Christmas Carols that suit a profession.
Lonely this Christmas - The Samaritans White Christmas - Race Relations Board Silent Night - Deaf Association Hark the Herald Angels Sing - Noise Abatement Society I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus - Relate Away in a Manger - Sheepdog Society Little Town of Bethlehem - Hammas Jingle Bells - Tinnutus Society O Come all Ye Faithful - Sperm Bank Do You Hear What I Hear - Schizophrenic Society Last Christmas - Dignitas Walking in the Air - NASA Stop The Cavalry - Concientious Objectors Mistletoe & Wine - Alcoholics Anonymous Driving Home for Christmas - Eddie Stobart Do They Know it's Christmas - Alzheimer's Society
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